Beyond Mere Disappointment

Last night, I finished this triangular prayer shawl, but I am not pleased with it.  

Two weeks ago, a telephone call delivered sadness, news that weighs heavily on my heart.  A longtime, very dear family friend battles cancer. Virulent and malignant, it has spread to multiple places throughout her body.  She has months, or so says her doctor.  I felt she called to say goodbye.  What does one say or do about this?  I told her we would pray for her (which we are), I listened, and I cried (she did to).  The next morning, I wrote her a letter, and I bought yarn.  Eleanor starts chemo very soon, so I thought making her a light, soft, prayer shawl for summer treatments was something tangible I could do while wrestling with her diagnosis and bleak prognosis.  I purchased a light, organic, bamboo yarn, deciding on worsted weight rather than the bulky that was called for in the pattern. Using larger needles, I hoped to create a loose knit and soft drape.  But these were not a good choices, because while knitting in our car on our travels to and from North Carolina, I dropped stitches. The repairs are evident, and I am disappointed. I won't give Eleanor this visibly flawed covering.

My goal was to create something to present to her when we visit her; I wanted to "do" something for her by making something for her.  The real beauty (and power) of prayer shawls is while making them, I am praying (a lot) for the recipient, so  I did "do" something, something that Eleanor will never see.  And maybe that is okay. Perhaps what is more important now is simply being something for her. I guess our prayers, our presence, and our friendship, spanning almost 31 years, need to suffice, even when nothing seems sufficient right now.